It is my belief that a man should not rely on text messaging as a form of courtship. However, I do abhor speaking on the telephone so I am in no place to judge. But, I will judge the texter. After catapulting myself back into the dating scene over the past few weeks, I have discovered a tricky and often frustrating digital battle of flirtatious wit, well timed quips and never being the last to text.
Nowadays, the moment you exchange numbers it’s game on a game won or lost through limited character texts and non-creepy booty calls. One foul step and you’re out of the game. Here are a cast of characters to look out for:
The Premature Ejacu-Texter aka Mr. COILTDO (Mr. Come Over I’ll Leave the Door Open)
Him: u still out? chilling with a friend need some rescuing
Me: yes, at kenmare. come.
Him: Whenever u r done u should come over. My door is unlocked. (Insert address here). come either curl up next 2 me or wake me up &
Analysis: Wow. This guy can’t even be bothered to put in work. After just one date, he’s confident (or lazy) enough to throw caution to the wind and bet on you being a drunk slut that evening. Just like ordering take out, he wants it fast and easy. Run.
The Ellipses Extravaganza aka Mr. UTP (Mr. Unlimited Texting Plan)
Him: Hey, Jessica………………………………………………………what………are you up to…………. 2nite?
Me: no answer…
Analysis: This is a sure sign of a man who has either sprung for the unlimited texting plan or missed his calling inputting Morse Code, which could both be positive things. But this flagrant misuse of punctuation is just too absurd to tolerate.
The Aggro Mass Texter aka Mr. TWAHS (Mr. Thinks We Already Had Sex)
Him: How’s that body?
Me: No reply.
Analysis: This smooth operator messages a stock text to every femme in his Rolodex, then he has the nerve to call you out when you don’t reply?! How he even figured out you were the one who didn’t reply is impressive but checking him feels too good to go on.
The Peekaboo Texter aka Mr. IHNTS (Mr. I Have Nothing to Say)
Analysis: Perhaps this guy has been spending time with my baby niece or cat’s got his thumb either way, we need to graduate to more characters. If you have nothing more to say to someone than “hi,” then wait until you do.
No G’s for this G aka Mr. IHMTEL (Mr. I Haven’t Mastered the English Language)
Him: you know what i’m sayin
Me: not really.
Him: I’m just playin’ with u
Analysis: This Don Juan cannot even be bothered to finish a word. Or perhaps this is what he believes to be the correct spelling? In either case, all I can wonder is what else he’s unable to finish?
The International aka Mr. IFTYWTHSWM (Mr. I’m Foreign Therefore You Want to Have Sex With Me)
Him: Ciao how are you bella?
Analysis: I get it. You’re Italian. Or French. Or Spanish. I probably figured that out when we met and I gave you my number. Perhaps that was one of the reasons you got my number. But now that I know, you don’t need to remind me. And I no longer want to have sex with you after that cheesy text.
The Acronym Offender aka Mr. GTTFGG (Mr. Gets Texting Technique From Gossip Girl)
Him: OMG worst day @ work sorry to make you wait!!!
Me: no worries
Him: How was your day? Couldn’t have been worse than mine! LOL!!
Analysis: Either you have your 14-year-old sister texting me or you’ve been watching too much Gossip Girl. While these are acceptable amongst my female friends, I don’t need that much enthusiasm from you. Thanks. A simple “haha” will suffice.
The Emotional Stalker aka Mr. SOHOS (Mr. Scared of His Own Shadow)
Him: Hey what’s up?
Him: Hey what are you doing?
Him: Are you avoiding me?
Him: Did I do something wrong?
Him: This really isn’t working out. We shouldn’t talk anymore.
Analysis: Like a deer in the forest, you scared yourself away. You couldn’t even wait for a reply to confirm. You just went ahead and figured it all out on your own. And you know what? I’m grateful.